Zooming through Bosnia

Sometimes I get feedback on my stories. A lot of times, people like my stories. But sometimes people are like "uhh, you’re so dramatic!" Or "that was the longest story in the world."

Well folks, I've got a nice little story to tell today. About a time I stepped foot in Herzogovenia. This is a musical. It is an accurate re-telling of actual events that happened to actual people. The cast is five characters, including four friends driving through Bosnia:

Jeremy – a bumbling college professor who lectures in the form of Elvis songs

Janos – a revolving-assortment of 1990s Boy Bands

Kat – Hip-swaying Latin-sensation Shakira

Liz – Ageless diva Madonna

And a Bosnian police officer in blind-sighted pursuit of vengeful justice along the lines of Victor Hugo’s Javert

Scene 1 opens as a black rental car slows in anticipation of the border crossing.

Jeremy: Well folks, looks like we’re coming up to the Croatian-Bosnia border. Liz, want to hear a quote from my book? Maybe about the history of the break-up of Yugoslavia?

LIZ: TIME GOES BY (SO SLOWLY WHEN JEREMY TALKS)
Time goes by. So slowly.
Time goes by. So slowly.
Every little thing that Jeremy says or does
he's hung up / he's hung up on guidebooks
Listening to his facts / Baby night and day
I'm fed up / I'm tired of listening to data
Time goes by so slowly for those who have to listen / No time to get away
Those who buy ear plugs seem to have all the fun
I lost mine / I don't know what to do
Kat and Janos: (In choral support) Time goes by. So slowly. Time goes by. So slowly.

Jeremy brushes his companions off with a wave. 

JEREMY: (YUGO'S) ALL SHOOK UP
Ah well, I bless my speedo / What's wrong with Tito?
His country's fallin' apart / like the wheels off a cart
and that's just the start
Yugo's all shook up!
Mm mm oh, oh, yeah, yeah!
Confederation was shaky and Serbia's weak
Slovenia decided it can stand on its own two feet
Croatia said they're next, wouldn't you know?
That's just the first blow
Yugo's all shook up!
Mm mm oh, oh, yeah, yeah!
Mace'donia said Bye! The UN said Hi!
Then little Kosovo 'cided to give it a try
But Slobodan said he loved it best
Wouldn't let it go if it cost him his death!
He grabbed for his pistol what a chill we got
Europe saw problems like a volcano that's hot
And that's when NATO involved.
with many bombs.
Yugo's all shook up
Mm mm oh, oh, yeah, yeah!
Redraw the maps, kids...all shook up!

Jeremy: Looks like we were waved through the border, guys! Let’s put the passports away and see what Bosnia has to offer.

All: (Pointing out the car window.) Ohh! Ahh!

Janos stands in the small car, as the others fade to the background. He sweeps his arms in wide sweeps as he sings.

JANOS: I DO (CHERISH BOSNIA)
All I am, all I'll be / Every country in this world
All that they'll ever need / Is in Bosnia
Shining with wealth / Full of beauty and smiling people
All their passion unfolding / to build a glorious place
And a thousand wonders / Seduce me 'cause I
I do...cherish Bosnia.
For the rest of my life / I won't see a better place
I will love you forever
From the depths of my soul / It's beyond my control
I've waited so long to say this to you
If you're asking do I love you, Bosnia...
I do

Jeremy: Uhh, friends, there’s a policeman with a stop sign in the middle of the road. What should I do?

KAT: WHENEVER, WHEREVER (YOU SEE A STOP SIGN, YOU MUST PULL OVER)
Whenever, wherever!
You see a stop sign, you must pull over!
The cops'll be there and you'll have fear, but that's the deal my dear!
They're angry, you're a pee-wee, You'll have to pay a large fee
Or you can speed away from here, that's the deal my dear

Jeremy pulls the car over. The Bosnian police officer approaches.

Policeman: επιτέλους,Βλέπουμε ο ένας τον άλλον σαφής` δήμαρχος LE του μ ",Θα φορέσετε μια διαφορετική αλυσίδα.ValjeanΠροτού να πείτε μια άλλη λέξη.

Jeremy: Uhh, I’m sorry, sir, but I don’t understand you. No, nem, nicht, nahi, non, nyet Bosnian. Do you speak English? Sprechen Sie Deutsch? Beszel Magyarul? Aapko Hindi aati hai? Parlevous Francias? Hablos Espanol?

Police Officer: I most certainly speak none of those languages, but for the sake of the musical, allow me to break out into English.

POLICE OFFICER: THE CONFRONTATION
Police Officer: Jer'my...at last...we see each other plain. M'sieur le Tourist, you'll wear a different chain.
Jeremy: Before you say another word, Mister Bosnian Police Officer! Before you chain me up like a slave in a Bosnia jail, listen to me! There is an excuse for this. I'm a foreigner in a foreign land. I can't understand the signs, I don't know how fast to drive.
Police Officer: You must think me mad! I've hunted you from down the road. You were going 74 kilometers per hour in a 40 zone! A man like you can never change. A man, such as you.
Jeremy: I am warning you, police officer, I can't understand a word you speak!
Police Officer: You know nothing of Bosnia! We're a stronger country by far. 26 Euros is the price you'll pay, there is power in me yet. My race is not yet run!

[Jeremy breaks a chair and threatens the police officer with the broken piece.]

Jeremy: And this I swear to you, my friends.
Police Officer: There is no place for you to hide in Bosnia.
Jeremy: I will not pay a 26 Euro Bosnia speeding ticket.
Police Officer: Fine, mimum 16 Euro?
Jeremy: And I will not negotiate the price.
Jeremy & Police Officer: I swear to you, I will be in Bosnia!

[They fight, Jeremy knocks down the police officer and the friends escape.]

Curtains close on Scene 1. Scene 2 opens with four friends sitting in the car, a Bosnian police officer holding a small red stop sign standing outside the driver's window.

Janos: Jeremy! Wake up! Quit dreaming! The officer looks pissed!

Officer: επιτέλους,Βλέπουμε ο ένας τον άλλον σαφής` δήμαρχος LE του μ!

Liz: Keep it together! I think he wants your registration papers.

Jeremy hands over the rental papers with a smile. A forced smile.

Officer: επιτέλους,Βλέπουμε ο ένας τον άλλον σαφής` δήμαρχος LE του μ!

Kat: Maybe your drivers' license? Give him that.

Jeremy slips his Wisconsin drivers' license out of his wallet and hands it to be police officer. After one glance, he starts laughing through his four-toothed mouth. Everyone except Jeremy laughs and is quite relieved. The police officer makes another unintelligible comment, then waves his hand outward, motioning the driver to join him outside.

Jeremy: Well, uhh, I'm going to get out of the car now. See you guys later?

JEREMY: I CAN'T HELP IT (I'M UNDER DIRECT POLICE COMMAND)
Wise men say / only fools get out of the car in Bosnia
But I can’t help it / I'm under direct police command
Shall I disobey / I don't want to pay their fines
And I can’t help / fearing of la-and-mines.

Like the Nerena / flows surely to the Adriatic Sea
Darling so it goes / I'll spend the night in a jailcell 103
I must say goodbye / so take my hand
For I can’t help it / I'm under direct police command

Police officer manhandles Jeremy to his squad car. There, he gets out a little notebook like a gumshoe reporter. On it, he writes the number 40. He circles it.

Officer: επιτέλους,Βλέπουμε ο ένας τον άλλον σαφής` δήμαρχος LE του μ!

Jeremy: Okay. 40.

Then he writes 74, frowns and crosses it off.

Officer: επιτέλους,Βλέπουμε ο ένας τον άλλον σαφής` δήμαρχος LE του μ!

Jeremy: I see. 40 good. 74 bad. Sorry.

Officer: επιτέλους,Βλέπουμε ο ένας τον άλλον σαφής` δήμαρχος LE του μ?

Jeremy: 40 good. 74 bad.

The officer scribbled a third number. 26. Behind it he scribed the internationally recognized euro symbol. He wanted 26 euros. 

POLICE OFFICER: BARS
There, out in the darkness, Jeremy is running
Fallen from grace, Fallen from grace
God be my witness I never shall yield
Till he pays a big fee For driving too speedily
He knows his way from the map Mine is the way of the speed trap
And those who follow the laws of this country will have no run-ins with me
And he drives as Michael Schumacher drives
The flame The sword!
Bars!! In Bosnian prison cells
Scarce to be broken Filling the darkness
With order and light He will have sentinels
Silent and sure Keeping watch in the night Keeping watch in the night
And if he drives as Schumacher drives he falls in flame!
And so it has been and so it is written In the country next to to paradise
That those who drive way to fast Must pay 26 Euros!
Lord let me find him That I may see him Safe behind bars
I will never rest Till then This I swear This I swear by Bosnian jail-cell bars!

The police car radio crackles to life as Jeremy and the police officer are "negotiating." The police officer races to the car in alarm, waving his partner near.

Officer: επιτέλους,Βλέπουμε ο ένας τον άλλον σαφής` δήμαρχος LE του μ!

Jeremy: Umm, why are you handing my license and registration papers back to me?

Officer: επιτέλους,Βλέπουμε ο ένας τον άλλον σαφής` δήμαρχος LE του μ!

Jeremy: Wait, sir, why are you getting in the car? Why are you waving goodbye?

As the police car drives away, Shakira, Madonna and the new Wyclef Jean leap out of the car, bursting into the climatic grand finale of this 25-minute long musical opera.

FRIENDS: PIGS DON'T LIE (SHAKIRA, MADONNA AND WYCLEF)
Janos: Ladies riding in the back seat tonight No fighting, no fighting
We got the Refugees up in here No fighting, no fighting
Shakira, Shakira I never really knew that she could dance like this
She makes a man wants to speak Bosnian Como se llama, bonita, mi casa, su casa
Shakira, Shakira
Kat: Oh baby when you wave us on like that
You make a woman go mad So be wise and keep on Reading the signs of my body
And I'm on tonight You know the pigs don't lie And I'm starting to feel it's right
He's waving us on, no more tension Don't you see baby, this is perfection
Janos: Hey Girl, I can see his car is moving And it's driving down the road
And I didn't have the slightest idea Until I saw him get in and go
That we would make it through Bosnia alive
Nobody cannot ignore the way we are free to go, girl
And everything so unexpected - the way you right and left it
So you can keep on taking it I never really knew that Jeremy could negotiate like this
He makes a man want to speak Bosnian
Como se llama, bonita, mi casa, su casa Shakira, Shakira

The car drives down the road, all four friends singing "Feel the Love Generation" as the curtains fall. And so it came to pass, that we made it through Bosnia.